dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
