She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
