i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
