wakey wakey hands off snakey
we're chasing vodka with high fives
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
