Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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