Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
