I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
