In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.