Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
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I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.