So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.