Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
