i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
