you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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