when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
