Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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