I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
