If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
