God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
