Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
