I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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