Plan B is the new Plan A
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
