Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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