is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
