i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
