Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
