So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
