Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
why is half of my head shaved?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
