so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way