I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
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Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
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My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.