Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night