i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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