Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
