Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
