Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
