We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
