I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize