I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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