I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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