I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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