If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot