Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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