Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
