saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
