apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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