Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
