Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
