I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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