I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
