Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
im having a threesome with these popsicles
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
