Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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