Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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