just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
