i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
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I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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