My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
