If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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