Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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