my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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