Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Your dad touched me again.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
