You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
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I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
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Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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