So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
