I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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