he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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