Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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